How to Help the Bereaved?

 

When someone dies in a friend’s family, do not hesitate to contact them
After the death of the person your friend cared for, their feelings of loneliness deepen. Feelings accompanying this loss can make even routine daily activities very difficult, much less the duties necessary to arrange the funeral. Do not therefore hesitate to offer your help. Even a note put in a mailbox offering help or an SMS can mean a lot. Your offer can stay unnoticed or be refused, but do not take this personally. This is the bereaved’s right and your offer of help might be accepted later.

Do not avoid the topic of loss during conversation if your friend feels like talking about it. You can diminish their feelings of isolation and help to overcome the difficult period. Offer your help, for instance, even in organizing the funeral. Even seemingly small things such as meal preparation, dog-sitting, help with catering for the funeral guests or arranging the funeral transportation can be a big help.

Provide condolence in common and socially acceptable ways
Shaking hands and offering words like My deepest sympathy or I am sorry will neither offend nor trouble anyone. This way we show that we acknowledge their loss, that we perceive them as a bereaved person and that we sympathize with them. We thus also open the way for further conversation and we do not treat death and loss as taboo. Sometimes, however, the survivors are able to accept condolences only several days after the death of their relative. A good time to send condolences is usually around the funeral. Do not be afraid to stay close even if you are not able to say anything. Words may not even be necessary. A handshake or a hug can express your sympathy even without words.

The strongest feelings of emptiness follow the funeral
Emptiness strikes the survivor fully usually only after the funeral. Suddenly space opens up for the feelings that were pushed aside by urgent organizational tasks connected to the funeral. It is not possible to relieve the survivor of feelings of emptiness but it is possible to create moments when they can feel better and which can supply hope and feelings of meaningfulness.

Manifestations of mourning vary
They can include sleep disorder, fatigue, feelings of empty stomach, loss of appetite, overeating, oversensitivity, refusing social contacts, time perception disorder, incomprehensible dreams, seeking, calling for and talking to the deceased.

It is good when survivors are able to cry in mourning for their relative. You can cry with them or just show them your support by your silent presence. But not all those in mourning are obviously desperate; not all of them cry. Everybody mourns in different ways. The fact that the survivor is not crying does not mean that they did not love the deceased. Sometimes the survivors just close the pain inside themselves. Do not therefore judge quickly; rather listen with empathy. In this way you can be really close to a person in a difficult stage of life.

Time of mourning
It is good to know that the time needed to overcome the mourning following the death of a loved one can also vary. The first and subsequent anniversaries of the death are very painful. The crying, sadness and other feelings return with intensity as well on birthdays, name days, Christmas and other festive days. On such days the survivor perceives very strongly their separation from the loved one again.

Do not be afraid of joy, laughter and positive feelings
The time of mourning and sadness is a part of life, through such periods everybody must pass because sooner or later it is inevitable to face the death of a relative. The sadness of the survivor obviously has to be respected, but do not exaggerate the manifestations of sadness due to false sympathy nor force others to do so. Especially children and young people sometimes express their uneasiness with an unusual situation with a joke and laughter and there is no need to be angry with them. Do not be over-sad, do not deny yourself or others the experience of fun and joy. Even the person in mourning can enjoy life, can laugh and have fun.

Ways to remember someone vary
When a loved one dies we do not lose them completely. Our memories are left to us. They stay a part of our life. We can remember the dead in many different ways. To your mourning friend you can offer some of the following ideas and help realize them.

How to remember the dead in a nice way

• Make a scrape book about them…
• Try to play a game Do you remember how… with your family and other friends…
• Go through pictures, things they made, plants they watered, a tree they planted, a house they built…
• Go for the same trip with your friends that you took together with the deceased…
• Go see their place of birth or places they loved especially…
• Do with love what you have learned from them…
• Write a poem or a story about them; draw a picture or a painting…
• Keep something in their memory…
• Talk about them to your children or grandchildren…
• Visit their grave…
• Remember peculiar or funny situations you experienced with them…
• Try to contact their acquaintances and talk to them…
• Plant a tree in their memory…
• Pray or at least try…

There are infinitely many ways to help the person in mourning. You can take them to a concert or theatre, for a walk, a trip, a tour, a holiday. You can meet them in a café, read books together and go through photo albums. When remembering the deceased’s life and death it is necessary to remember the positive things as well. Remember that the survivor needs to talk not only about what was painful and unpleasant about the death but also about what was useful and beautiful.

Do not avoid your care-giving friend
Caregivers often experience feelings of isolation from their social environment. They feel that others avoid them or they themselves are afraid to be a burden to others with their great worries. You can diminish such feelings for them for instance by not crossing the road when you see them, calling them and asking how they are doing, sending an encouraging text message, bringing a cake or paying a visit. Meeting with a considerate friend makes the sad person feel better and encourages them. And this can be enriching even for you. Do not be afraid to show your empathy because it is a gift of a good heart. Listen, watch. If you are ready to help, while visiting your friend you can discover exactly where your help is needed most. Experiences seem to show that especially at night the situation is difficult for both the ill person and the caregiver. So calling in the morning and asking how the night went is a good thing to do and it will open the door for further conversation.

Enable your care-giving friend to express their feelings, listen to them
For the caregiver it is important that you listen, encourage them, let them know that they can talk and cry in front of you. Thus they will learn that they are not as alone as they had thought. But avoid trivial phrases such as I know what you are going through! or I understand you! because they do not work very well. On the contrary, they can sometimes hurt the person and make them back away. We can express our own helplessness over the other person’s pain in a simple way: I don’t know what to tell you. But I am thinking about you.

Do not be afraid to offer your help and support
If you are willing to help your friend, before you offer it, think about what the limits of your assistance are. Thus you will avoid possible misunderstandings and you can more easily offer good support. You should make your offer for help as specific as possible. It is better to make a plan and then say: This afternoon I could do some shopping for you, or: If you’d like, I can take your kids to the cottage with us on Sunday. I will come here by car around nine in the morning to pick them up. It is better than a question: Sometimes your kids could go with us to the cottage, what do you think? The caregiver usually cannot make an exact plan for their time and so instead of taking one burden away from them we put another difficult task on their mind. Even if your friend does not accept your offer, the knowledge that they have someone to turn to if needed will be encouraging. You can also help your friend just by listening, by encouraging, by offering psychological support. You can do that by SMS as well: I am here if you need something. You can call even at night.